Expat Psychology

I've been seeing a counsellor over here and you can imagine that it's a bit of a challenge to talk to a psychologist in another language - but i think it taps into the emotions just as deep - maybe deeper. She asked me to recall a moment when i was truly happy and I just started crying because my response in my head was so complicated - so many qualifications, such as, "i was happy at this point, BUT..." "Looking back, it was a happy time, but at the moment i didn't appreciate it"...I'm aways striving for something else and I keep forgetting things.

I've been journalling again - on paper. Maybe i'm just a pen and ink kinda gal. Who knows, maybe I'll reinvent my web presence sometime soon because I am feeling better.

French Classes / Carte de Séjour Update

I think that if you come here with limited french skills, you have two choices:

1) Pay for french courses out of your own pocket.

2) Bumble along with your current level of french, supplemented by reading and going to the library, and wait until you qualify to receive free french instruction or to receive a stipend.

I have opted for number two due to financial constraints. I've been here since the end of August and we really did hustle to apply for the carte de séjour. Even still, it takes time to accomplish things because you need certain pieces of paper before you can move on to the next step. It really is like a board game!

I am registered with Assedic (unemployment) but still need to follow up with ANPE (employment) today so I will discuss french lessons with them at my appointment. 

I have my 'visite medicale' on the 23rd, which is more than just a medical visit; this is when the carte de séjour is distributed (right now i have a receipt that is only valid for three months). It is also a welcome meeting and they do an interview to assess your level of french. 

I had not previously heard or read about the "contrat d'accueil et d'intégration" that you sign at your medical visit. Here is the brochure that I received along with the letter for my medical visit appointment :

http://www.anaem.fr/IMG/pdf/cai_publication/Dépliant%20C.A%20I%20verso.pdf

Here's the contract that's going to be signed at the visit:

http://www.anaem.fr/IMG/pdf/Contrat_2008.pdf

It seems quite funny that I am obligated to pay 275 Euros in taxes for the carte de sejour, but will receive french instruction that is valued *much more* than that!

This afternoon I am going to an association to start french lessons. I was supposed to contact them before, so I hope that I can start today. 

Correction: The association that i went to today is called trait d'union, but there are a ton of organizations with this name in france so the url I found was not right.

Good Days

Yesterday was a really good day. I got alot accomplished and i did it by myself. I had to go to Assedic (unemployment) by myself and i was scared/stressed. I yelled at hubby the day before because i wanted him to go with me and he couldn't. After the appointment was over, i called my husband and apologized because going alone gave me a big confidence boost - i realized that i could navigate french administration alone if necessary. When i told my husband he said "see, you're the only one who thinks you can't do it - my family thinks you have a good level of french and i know that you can do it you just need confidence in yourself."

Duh / D’oh / A ha !

Blogs are for connecting with other people. Yes, I really did just come to that conclusion. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never felt so disconnected in my life. Here I am in a foreign land – despite reading expat blogs, having an expat brother (in the Czech Republic since the mid-90s) and living with a French for over 9 years, I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to deal with the foreign-ness of it all.

I am so lonely sometimes – despite all of the time I spent alone in the US, I could insert myself into the culture when I needed to connect with others. I also had groups to which I belonged – even if they didn’t have a name : work colleague, friend, fellow shopper (?!?!)

I still have my family and friends but the rhythm has changed – I am that relative/friend who lives far away. I am the one they have to figure out when to call or how to call. I know how to call but I am still working on the when.

I’m working on finding my voice. I have a hard time separating who I am and what I want from what others want from me or want for themselves. I tend to operate from the perspective of what my husband or son wants or needs instead of what I want because it’s easier for me to see. I have been told by some people (friends and psychologists) that I am very self aware. The truth is that I am able to release the words from my mouth but I have difficulty accepting them within myself. I have given my father the advice of using a tape recorder when he talks so that he can write and I should take my own advice – though I am not talking to too many people right now.

I get so blocked when I speak French – it’s especially hard when my husband is around because our language has primarily been English. Yes sure we have done French weeks/days, etc. but when we were stressed and needed to accomplish things we have always spoken in English. Now it is awkward to speak French with and around him.