Blogs are for connecting with other people. Yes, I really did just come to that conclusion. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never felt so disconnected in my life. Here I am in a foreign land – despite reading expat blogs, having an expat brother (in the Czech Republic since the mid-90s) and living with a French for over 9 years, I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to deal with the foreign-ness of it all.
I am so lonely sometimes – despite all of the time I spent alone in the
I still have my family and friends but the rhythm has changed – I am that relative/friend who lives far away. I am the one they have to figure out when to call or how to call. I know how to call but I am still working on the when.
I’m working on finding my voice. I have a hard time separating who I am and what I want from what others want from me or want for themselves. I tend to operate from the perspective of what my husband or son wants or needs instead of what I want because it’s easier for me to see. I have been told by some people (friends and psychologists) that I am very self aware. The truth is that I am able to release the words from my mouth but I have difficulty accepting them within myself. I have given my father the advice of using a tape recorder when he talks so that he can write and I should take my own advice – though I am not talking to too many people right now.
I get so blocked when I speak French – it’s especially hard when my husband is around because our language has primarily been English. Yes sure we have done French weeks/days, etc. but when we were stressed and needed to accomplish things we have always spoken in English. Now it is awkward to speak French with and around him.
3 comments:
I so relate to this post. We have just moved, again. And, I was just sitting in my car crying because I feel so alone and alienated--and very far from friends and home.
I wish I had something helpful to ad to your heartfelt post. I can only say that I understand how you feel and that I am feeling it too.
Sending a virtual hug.
xo
Hey! Me, too! I'm hot on your heels for France, girl, and I'm panic attacking left, right, and center.
I found your description of your, most assuredly temporary, though perhaps feeling permanent--predictament quite lucid.
I would not be surprised if every mother and wife could relate to and share your ability to "see" clearly what you child and spouse needed more easily than what you yourself might need. But, maybe, by articulating your thoughts and feelings, you will be able to home in on your own needs in an oblique fashion. I seem to come at helping myself out at a very oblique angle.
At this address:
http://oregonabroad.ous.edu/countries/france/poitiers/comments.html
, in a .pdf download called "Poitiers Program Handbook" on pages 65-68, there is some information that I found very helpful, especially on page 66 about the stages associated with entering and leaving a foreign culture, French in this case. Take a look and see if it helps.
There are three specific things that I would encourage you to do right now:
1) Blog regularly and honestly, even if you need to start a new "anonymous" blog, in order to get stuff out and get support in.
2) Cultivate at least one human being with whom you can practice your French--even in exchange for English--who is NOT in your family or that of your French husband. A living, breathing friend of your own will be a tremendous psychological support.
3) Find a way to nurture your "American-ness" as you settle in--find an anglophone group, find a mommy club, whatever to use as a transitional tool. You don't have to be either/or Franco-Americain. You can be both and each one has strengths and weaknesses that, over the long haul will end up supporting and reinforcing one another.
I'm really happy to see that you piped up again and got some juice flowing!!!
Don't neglect your blog!
Amitiés,
Just wanted to say thanks to both of you for your support! Today was a do-nothing day but i wasn't depressed, which is pretty cool!
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