Why am i scared to write more?

I don't know why. It all goes back to 1995, when i showed my poetry to Prof. Gordon Grigsby and he told me that it wasn't very good. I admired him as a professor and I let his opinion kill something deep within me. This is not a revelation to me. I have accepted it as a fact that Dr. Grigsby killed my love for writing and yet i know i am still *good* at it, but only in a very technical sense. I can writing training manuals and grad school papers with the best of them but when it comes to personal writing that's public, the mirror of my soul has been shattered.

That's something that I haven't totally connected with until now - that blogging is hard for me because it's putting a piece of me out for "critique."

I was thinking about a blog called "my secret blog" or something like that...but of course:
http://mysecretblog.blogspot.com/
http://shhhmysecretblog.blogspot.com/
These are just 2 - and they're defunct...only 4 entries in one of them.

Moving to France: Mr. French leaves in 2.5 weeks

I've found some blogs of other americans and franco-americans in the process of moving to france. None so far with my family's composition. American Mama. French Papa. Franco-American Toddler. But I can still learn things from them and post about things that others aren't posting about. I'm particularly mystified by visas, cartes de sejour and other paperwork that seems pretty straightforward (difficult, but straightforward) for people who have "no intention" of staying in France and haven't been married to a frenchie for 9 years and who don't have a child who is essentially french. I know that a visa is FREE for me and my son, but I can't exactly fathom why my son would even need a visa. Mr. French will investigate while in France. I REALLY don't want to have to go to my "local" consulate in Los Angeles.

French Papa has made a decision which i don't like: he has decided to speak english to bilingual boy until his departure. Why? So that he can progress in his speech therapy. Never mind that he may very well regress when he arrives in france this summer. Well, I just have to do my best in getting his english up to speed so that when we meet again in the fall, he'll still be able to speak english.

It's really happening!

In less than a month, my husband goes to France to establish our new life. I'm having a hard time imagining what this experience will be like. I'm feeling sorta zen about the whole thing. I have accepted the fact that we are doing this. I don't feel giddy. I don't feel stressed. It just is...this is the phase of my life/our lives that we are in right now and I am going to appreciate every moment-savor the taste of life. That means not spending all of my time fantasizing or worrying about what will be.

There is so much in this world to learn and do and I have spent far too much of my life in fear and anxiety; worrying about what is and what will be...and I feel done with that. I know that right now my job is a means to an end. I get paid handsomely and I am learning that I don't need power to be happy. In fact, I am quite happy doing my own thing and not be in charge of other people - but that doesn't mean i have to hate it...it does mean that I can let go of self loathing and anxiety over "not being able to be perfect" - who wants to be perfect anyway?

As I've been reading blogs by expats in France, I have come to discover that I've become french in the 9 years of marriage to Mr. French. ...sexually transmitted? ;-)
What i mean by this is that the things that annoy some expats are some of the reasons that living in France appeals to me. For example - that it's not easy to get things done and that things are expensive. If something is cheap and easy, what value does it have in the long run and how much do I appreciate it a year or so later? As I sort through my things and decide what will go to france, what will be donated and what will be sold, I've come to realize that I've been hanging on to things that have very little meaning to me.

Example: "The road less travelled" : I bought this book in 1995/96 at a used bookstore. I have moved it from Ohio to Illinois, to Albuquerque, from the apartment to the house and I FINALLY sat down to read it last week. It is such a piece of crap I can't stand it and yet I kept forcing myself to continue in the hopes that I could glean something from it, but in the end I tossed it in a box for goodwill. I've already made three trips to goodwill this year and that's just the beginning.

Moving inexorably towards france

French husband has a telephone interview next week. I told my mother and father about it, which made them realize that this is really happening - well, my father didn't know that we were really considering the move until a couple of days ago because he has not had easy access to a phone or internet. He said something that made me reflect on my irrational behavior in regards to "stuff." His first response to my declaration that we would be moving to france was, "what about all of your stuff?" I'm saving stuff for someone else; not for me. I'm saving it for my grandma, my father, potentially for my children and grandchildren...but my grandma is dead. my father will pass away one day and my children and grandchildren don't need to be burdened with a whole house full of stuff. It's nice stuff, but i don't feel like it's mine. I feel like i have to keep it due to guilt, obligation, laziness...

Dad said, "well, it seems that you two move every couple of years so why don't you get a storage place so that you don't have to ship everything over there and then just move it back a few years later." However, if i don't care about it enough to take it with me to france then it's not worth keeping. And my stuff would be here in the us, rotting away, or drying out to be more precise...but it means that it would be even harder to deal with than if i just took care of it now.

Another thought is that we would probably do better to sell the house in early summer instead of late summer/early fall because we are so close to a school and people want to get their stuff together/settled in before the start of the school year. How does this impact our plans? Well, it means I had better "get a move on" ASAP - selling the car is top priority, but I don't want to deal with the hassle. I could trade it in for a lot less than i would get selling it myself...but then we'd be paying off something we no longer own. :-(

Livret de famille has arrived!

Now that we have the livret de famille, we've paved the way for dealing with french administration. There are less than 6 weeks until my husband flies to France - we bought his ticket last weekend and he leaves May 8th. We bought a round-trip ticket that returns on June 4th in case things don't work out, but that seems highly unlikely.

My best friend in Albuquerque asked me what my mother thinks of us moving to france and I said that I don't think it's really sunk in for her...then i realized that it really hasn't sunk in for me either!

Also, on the day i told my mom about husband's trip to france we thought there was about a 20% chance of him being staying. We thought - or at least I thought that he would go, make sure it's what he really wants, put out some feelers and then we'd come back in September and we'd start the process of setting up house at that time. Husband and baby would stay in France and I'd return to the US to sell the house and pack and move.

Now the reality is that, if things really start to move, I could be selling the house in august or september instead of starting the process at that time.

CV

This week my husband's been preparing his resume. He worked with this father, brother, and his brother's girlfriend to make it right. One of the places his resume is going is sagem - which is funny considering that he doesn't care for phones. We had planned to buy his ticket today, but didn't.

Perspective Shift

After I had a mini-breakdown at work, Husband and I have decided to "ramp up" the process of moving to France. My husband left a voicemail for the LA consulate about a week ago. Of course, we have received no response. Husband just sent an email to the person in charge of etat civil (at least according to the consulate's website)...so we'll see.

Our previous plan was to have the whole family travel to France this September/October so we've been saving up for the tickets and panicking over the $3000 price tag associated with this venture (that's just the tickets). Since it has been almost 10 years since husband was last in France, we came to the conclusion that it would be good for him to "scout" for jobs and to confirm that he really wants to go home.

It's weird how single tickets to Europe are a lot less expensive than the per ticket price of a group of three tickets...at least it seems that way when I am comparing one ticket in May to three tickets in October. I suppose it's because you can squeeze the singleton in the spaces left by different sized groups.

Anyway, husband thinks that it might be easier for husband to take care of some paperwork while he is in France instead of waiting around for the LA consulate! After reading various french administration horror stories i'm not so sure, but then again he is french...then again he's practically an etranger by now!

Update: Husband talked to his father and found out that there is a program to help French people repatriate, which gives them financial assistance/support. His dad also said that if that didn't work/wasn't an option, he could always get unemployment...which, as an American, seems very weird since he hasn't worked in France for more than 9 years.

Anyway, what this means is that my husband will have some sort of income "guarantee" until he finds a job, which makes it more feasible for him to stay in France at the "conclusion" of his visit than we had previously discussed-especially since he has a lot more lodging options as one person instead of a family of 3. So in one day we've moved from a 20% chance that he'll stay in France at the conclusion of his visit ("if i find a job i'll stay") to an 80+% that he will stay. Honestly, it's probably higher than that but it's just a big perspective shift! He said the only way he would consider not staying is if a bomb fell on France or if France started invading a third world country. Otherwise known as, not very darn likely.

Yet another update and i haven't even re-posted this! Husband just spoke to brother who just returned from a ski trip and didn't know that we were this serious about returning to france said that he could get husband some contract work doing management control/audit, which is what he was doing when he left france.

So what's the plan for me and my son...? Well, about a month and a half after husband's departure, we will take a vacation and this will be the "last chance" for us to decide if we are really going to do it. I like the idea of an escape clause...that if I come and i really can't stand it, we can go back. If I do like it then I will leave my son there (ack!). Husband will get him registered for school and I imagine that he will stay with his grandparents for much of the summer. Husband's sister is buying a place this fall and her apartment will be available in August. The idea is to take over her lease if possible. Husband will seewhat he thinks of the apartment and the location when he arrives and will look for another place if necessary.

This means that yours truly returns to the US, packs up the house, sells the house, ships household effects y cargo and, finally, flies to France to rejoin her family.