Good Days

Yesterday was a really good day. I got alot accomplished and i did it by myself. I had to go to Assedic (unemployment) by myself and i was scared/stressed. I yelled at hubby the day before because i wanted him to go with me and he couldn't. After the appointment was over, i called my husband and apologized because going alone gave me a big confidence boost - i realized that i could navigate french administration alone if necessary. When i told my husband he said "see, you're the only one who thinks you can't do it - my family thinks you have a good level of french and i know that you can do it you just need confidence in yourself."

Duh / D’oh / A ha !

Blogs are for connecting with other people. Yes, I really did just come to that conclusion. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never felt so disconnected in my life. Here I am in a foreign land – despite reading expat blogs, having an expat brother (in the Czech Republic since the mid-90s) and living with a French for over 9 years, I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to deal with the foreign-ness of it all.

I am so lonely sometimes – despite all of the time I spent alone in the US, I could insert myself into the culture when I needed to connect with others. I also had groups to which I belonged – even if they didn’t have a name : work colleague, friend, fellow shopper (?!?!)

I still have my family and friends but the rhythm has changed – I am that relative/friend who lives far away. I am the one they have to figure out when to call or how to call. I know how to call but I am still working on the when.

I’m working on finding my voice. I have a hard time separating who I am and what I want from what others want from me or want for themselves. I tend to operate from the perspective of what my husband or son wants or needs instead of what I want because it’s easier for me to see. I have been told by some people (friends and psychologists) that I am very self aware. The truth is that I am able to release the words from my mouth but I have difficulty accepting them within myself. I have given my father the advice of using a tape recorder when he talks so that he can write and I should take my own advice – though I am not talking to too many people right now.

I get so blocked when I speak French – it’s especially hard when my husband is around because our language has primarily been English. Yes sure we have done French weeks/days, etc. but when we were stressed and needed to accomplish things we have always spoken in English. Now it is awkward to speak French with and around him.

I'm here...

I've just been busy with getting settled in. Life is good; just overwhelming. 

Today's the day!

I used to be a writer and I used to be a dreamer - am I still?

Today at 6:50 CST my son and I will board a plane and leave the US. I am stunned.

My father had his gallbladder removed last night in an emergency operation. He is coming home this morning and we will have the visit that we were planning to start yesterday morning but couldn't because he wasn't feeling well. I'm glad that my last vision of him will not be from a hospital bed.

Oh, I accidentally packed one too many bags! I had to reconfigure our carryons because aer lingus has a 13 pound per carryon limit and somehow in the reshuffling I ended up packing too many checked bags. Fortunately, none of the bags were packed too tightly and i was able to fit everything into the 4 bag limit but I'd still like to keep the small duffel bag for other uses.

Head is hurting and feeling foggy. I have got to get my medications adjusted after i settle in to Nice. I think that both the thyroid and the antidepressant meds should be reviewed. My body is vibrating; not quite shaking but the energy beneath the surface is palpable. Nothing to be nervous about; just a major life change! :-) I know that it will be worth it! :-)

ok, i admit it, i'm excited

it's been so long since i've seen my husband - 3 months! I'm even tossing around the idea of having another child - even though one is overwhelming me already.

There are going to be so many new experiences - i'll be on sensory overload!
I'm very glad that I have a brother who has been through this before - moving overseas and not being fluent.

Remember that story "The grasshopper and the ant"? yeah, i'm the grasshopper when it comes to being prepared for speaking french.

Looking forward to...

• Being with my husband in 14 days
• Having a widow's walk to put plants on.
• Being near the sea
• Walking near the sea
• Living steps away from a market
• Having a home, sweet, home

feeling nothing

i've just sort of accepted this move - this major life change. i don't feel anything. I miss my husband, but its more of an in my head thing than in my heart. i know i will miss my family and friends (already missing them) but I chose to do this so what else can i do? I can't sit and cry about it i must move forward so there's nothing wrong with not feeling anything - right?